Life on Your Terms: Knowing when to say yes
Despite being a successful entrepreneur and mother of two who has designed a life on my own terms, I am a recovering people pleaser. I can’t remember when exactly it began, but somewhere along the way I developed a maladaptive tendency in my interactions with others to disregard my feelings, needs and beliefs to make the people around me feel comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, at times this has served me well, such as when I waitressed at a family restaurant in high school or when I am working to create a safe space for everyone as a facilitator in a strategic planning session. This “fawning,” however, was also holding me back. Before I realized I needed a mindset makeover, saying no or choosing to simply meet my own needs over the needs of others would manifest itself as a low-level sense of aching dread and guilt. For me, people-pleasing showed up as covering up my talents simply because I had the core belief that shining my light would make those around me uncomfortable.
I remember the exact moment when my therapist looked me square in the eye and asked, “Katrina, is it your job to make everyone else happy?” I recall being genuinely dumbfounded.
But the underlying lie/belief pattern I was telling myself was, “If I always say yes to whatever is asked of me, then everyone will like me.”
Reality check. If you are living from your truth, not everyone is going to like you. But the more you begin to embrace your truth in action, the more the right people for your path will appear (and your relationships will be symbiotic—ones of mutual benefit toward your highest selves).
Knowing yourself—what makes you special/your unique offering to the world—is foundational to living a designer life. And we simply cannot understand the fullness of our gifts if we are focused on making everyone around us happy. It is by making manifest the dormant life inside.
Imagine a rosebud looking around the garden asking others what it should become!
One of the most predictive characteristics of a successful entrepreneur is the ability to radically and confidently follow one’s own heart and intuition. But in order to truly know ourselves, we have to sharpen our discerning abilities about how to spend our super precious time.
At the 2024 She Leads event on April 4, we are inviting women to investigate their own brilliance, particularly as it relates to wholehearted leadership. If we are to live with intention and embrace our vocational purpose, then we also need to be clear about what to say no to—because every time we say yes to something we don’t really want to do, we are contracting back into ourselves and putting up a superficial wall between us and the world we want to engage in.
Please don’t misinterpret the idea of designing life on your terms as self-indulgent narcissism. It is quite the opposite, actually. When you are considering a new venture or even something as small as a coffee, remember that people pleasing steers you off course AND prevents you from having an authentic connection with the person you are trying to please. I believe the word for that is . . . counterproductive!
When you are operating at your peak authenticity, you are bringing more to the people you love by fertilizing the unique seed ready to be awakened inside of you.
YOUR AUTHENTICITY FILTER
OK. So now for the practice. Start a list of questions that can help you decide whether or not something is worth your time. Consider your goals for the year, both personal and professional. Consider your purpose, your work, your family. Then see if you can narrow it down to the 3 winners. You can always adjust later.
Here are the 3 that I am currently using:
Will this environment provide what I need to feel good?
If I say yes, am I moving closer to my personal goals for the year with the time I will spend?
Will this make a deposit in my resource bank (health, financial, educational, etc.)? If not, will it have a positive impact on people I care deeply about?
If the request you’re considering doesn’t hit all three boxes, then the answer is an easy “no, thank you,” (or maybe, “let me connect you with someone else who I think could be a better fit”).
IN PRACTICE
I encourage you to try this checklist method for the next 2 weeks with every “non-essential” way you consider spending your time when asked by a friend, colleague or family member and see what happens. It might feel clunky and uncomfortable at first—and you may even notice that this new boundary can create a few wrinkles in your relationships.
I’ll close with a quote by Brene Brown: “Authenticity is a collection of choices we have to make every day. It is about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
In Gratitude,
Katrina
p.s. This list also works when you have been feeling the quiet, yet growing itch to let something go. Sometimes it just takes running it through your authenticity filter.
p.p.s. This March I get to visit Casa Azul, the original home of Frida Kahlo near Mexico City. If you don’t know Frida and her story, head over to PBS for their series, “Becoming Frida.” As a young, disabled, queer female artist, she truly lived life on her terms.
